Taking Responsibility

I just want to write what's on my heart. I have some things on my heart that I need to get out so that I can purge my system of negativity. I thought that I said my final goodbye to the nasty behavior between you and me when I signed on the dotted line on the divorce papers. I found the attorney, paid for the divorce, tracking fees, and the court costs, but you still find ways to hurt me. I thought that this would help me in dealing with all of the animosity, piss, vinegar, and bad blood feelings about what you had done and continued to do. I have gone to countless counselors to work on me and my dealings with you because whether I like it or not we are going to be tied together for the rest of our lives. I don't want to paint myself as a saint because by no means was I a saint. I was weak and determined to make my marriage lasts because in my mind I thought that love began and ended with my relationship with you. I waited for you to recognize that I was what you wanted. I recognize now that waiting for you to get your stuff together was the biggest mistake of my life. I ruined countless opportunities in order for our marriage to work. I didn't take countless jobs, I worked meaningless jobs just to make money so that our family would stay intact, I changed the way that I used to be to be the woman that you wanted me to be, but nothing I did was ever enough. It took me leaving and getting a peace of mind to recognize that mutilating my inner being didn't help either one of us. The time alone also gave me time to recognize who I truly am. I wasn't a good wife to you because I wasn't a good person to myself. I tried to blame you for all of the problems, but I was a problem as well. I don't blame myself for everything, but I am taking responsibility for the things that happened that I know didn't help, but only harmed me and the marriage. I do, however, admit that if I hadn't changed me; the marriage would've died much sooner. I have let go of these feelings, but now there are some new ones.

Since, I've openly expressed that I have no problem with you having a relationship with our daughter; you have done nothing but abuse that relationship. It seems as if you are using our child to get back at me. You show up when you want to, with some rinky dink crap for her to hold on to then just as quickly as you come you leave. I used to make excuses to her, but now she has some age and understanding; she's not accepting the excuses anymore. She's becoming angry with you. She has told you this, but you think that it is me that is telling her those things. Our child is old enough and smart enough to know lies when she hears them. You haven't come through on one promise that you have made to her.

I have accepted blame for the things that I did to hurt our marriage, but your damaged relationship with our daughter I will not be held responsible for. I am confused about a lot of things, but this one is on you and you alone. I have forgiven you and am moving forward with my life. I wish you the best in all that you do.