WWIV

I met WWIV on an accident. I was thinking about growing my hair back to its natural state when I saw him. He was tall, dark, beautiful smile, with a head full of long flowing healthy locs. I met him at a time in my life where I was pretty much over the male species. Men could only provide me with one thing and one thing only ...directions to the nearest Adult Superstore. I had to say something to him about his hair. His hair was absolutely beautiful. So, I asked him about his hair. How long had he been growing his hair, was it a difficult transition, and who started and did the upkeep of his locs. He was extremely friendly in his responses. Attractive as WWIV was to me I continued on my thought process of him being just a man....and me not being ready to date. We exchanged phone numbers and during months of conversation we discussed natural hair care, life, children, parenting, clouds, ants, pillows, colors, meaningless banter, success, giving, receiving, blessings, curses, childhood, dreams, aspirations, old relationships, and finally love.

One night I was in the bed when my phone rang with the Computer Love ring tone. WWIV had is on ring tone by this time even though I publicly didn't like him in that way. I answered the phone...WWIV let me know that he was just a few miles away from my house and would like to see me. I made arrangements for my friend to come watch my kids and took off to see him. I get to the parking lot and he's standing there so tall, so beautiful, just like the first time I saw him. I park my car. He opens my door, pulls me out of the car, and gives me a big hug. I am shocked, but it feels good. His arms are strong and they hold me just right. It was like his shoulders were custom made for my head. I lay my head on his shoulder. He begins to speak, his breath so sweet, his voice so deep, my body is so hot.

We sit and talk. He confesses that hes into me. I would've played like I really wasn't into him, but I really couldn't. I was standing in a parking lot at midnight on a weekday with my house shoes, a silk scarf, a t-shirt, and some jogging pants on. I couldn't deny the attraction that I felt to him. I tried, but he was just too much of a real brother to let my insecurities, past relationships, and broken heart get in the way of this friendship that had blossomed into much more. He gave me my "okay" back that night. All before that night I was angry, bitter, jaded, frustrated and upset with men, but he gave me the strength back to be "okay". I will love him always for this. I don't know how this relationship will end, but I know that the beginning gave me more and taught me more than any other relationship I've ever been involved in.

I told him that he gave me the strength to be "okay." He said that I always had the strength and that he never knew that I was angry or bitter with men...he only knew that I was the sweetest woman that he had ever met and that I had given him his reason to be "okay." He said that before me the women were rude, needy, and down right disrespectful. He had never met a woman that just let him be who he was without wanting something materially in return.

I just think that we were both brought together at the right place at the right time. I love him for who he is and for who he wants to be. He supports me in my foolishness...He makes it okay to laughs at my mistakes. He makes me feel like its okay to be me. He accepts me ... He doesn't love me different, but he loves me right. I will end this in saying he and I are not perfect, we do have disagreements, but we both know what we want and how good it is.


Suga C

Taking Responsibility

I just want to write what's on my heart. I have some things on my heart that I need to get out so that I can purge my system of negativity. I thought that I said my final goodbye to the nasty behavior between you and me when I signed on the dotted line on the divorce papers. I found the attorney, paid for the divorce, tracking fees, and the court costs, but you still find ways to hurt me. I thought that this would help me in dealing with all of the animosity, piss, vinegar, and bad blood feelings about what you had done and continued to do. I have gone to countless counselors to work on me and my dealings with you because whether I like it or not we are going to be tied together for the rest of our lives. I don't want to paint myself as a saint because by no means was I a saint. I was weak and determined to make my marriage lasts because in my mind I thought that love began and ended with my relationship with you. I waited for you to recognize that I was what you wanted. I recognize now that waiting for you to get your stuff together was the biggest mistake of my life. I ruined countless opportunities in order for our marriage to work. I didn't take countless jobs, I worked meaningless jobs just to make money so that our family would stay intact, I changed the way that I used to be to be the woman that you wanted me to be, but nothing I did was ever enough. It took me leaving and getting a peace of mind to recognize that mutilating my inner being didn't help either one of us. The time alone also gave me time to recognize who I truly am. I wasn't a good wife to you because I wasn't a good person to myself. I tried to blame you for all of the problems, but I was a problem as well. I don't blame myself for everything, but I am taking responsibility for the things that happened that I know didn't help, but only harmed me and the marriage. I do, however, admit that if I hadn't changed me; the marriage would've died much sooner. I have let go of these feelings, but now there are some new ones.

Since, I've openly expressed that I have no problem with you having a relationship with our daughter; you have done nothing but abuse that relationship. It seems as if you are using our child to get back at me. You show up when you want to, with some rinky dink crap for her to hold on to then just as quickly as you come you leave. I used to make excuses to her, but now she has some age and understanding; she's not accepting the excuses anymore. She's becoming angry with you. She has told you this, but you think that it is me that is telling her those things. Our child is old enough and smart enough to know lies when she hears them. You haven't come through on one promise that you have made to her.

I have accepted blame for the things that I did to hurt our marriage, but your damaged relationship with our daughter I will not be held responsible for. I am confused about a lot of things, but this one is on you and you alone. I have forgiven you and am moving forward with my life. I wish you the best in all that you do.

I ain't got it

In these trying times people are having to cut back and make sacrifices to make their ends meet. I am one of the people that have had to make some serious sacrifices for my family's needs. I refuse to sit around and let my children go without things that they need because I am able to do something about it. I, however, have these people around me that somehow think that life has all of a sudden changed and issued free money passes to me. The money that I have...I have earned. I didn't go out and sell my body, find a magical money tree, or a leprechaun's pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I did, however, go to the classified ads and find a job. Getting a job is an archaic concept for some people, but it is a way of life in my home.

The answer is, "NO!" to those of you that are asking for money. I am not a member of the FDIC. My money is not insured by the government. My suggestion to you is to either get a payday loan or better yet just go and get a payday. Stop sitting around waiting on a friggin hand out from me because your hands will rot and fall off if you are waiting for a free pay off from me. I ain't got it, boo!


The answer is, "NO!" to those of you that are asking for free room and board. I am not moving anything else in my house that I have to feed to keep alive. My couch is for sitting not for sleeping. I have put out poison for all of the insects because I refuse to let them sit around my house for free as well. I have placed a sign on my house that reads, "NO CHILDREN, NO PETS, and UNEMPLOYED PERSONS ALLOWED." I thought that would make my stance clear, but obviously you moochers needed more clarification. I ain't got it, boo!

I just don't have the room in my heart or my wallet any longer for you people that are allergic to work. I am moving on with my life. Help yourself and maybe someone will come along to help you . I can not be a crutch to anyone that is not trying to help themselves. Helping people that are totally unwilling to do anything has gotten me into a world of trouble. My help and charitable gifts stop here today.

Thanks

Suga C

Lending a Helping Hand

I am no good Samaritan. As a matter of fact when I see people in a fix/trouble, I try not to make eye contact so that they won't ask me for help. Yeah, I know, I should do better, but at least I'm honest about it. Well, I was coming out of the grocery store on Friday, and I see this elderly lady barely walking to her vehicle with a basket full of groceries. She was shuffling her feet, barely lifting her feet to make the baby steps to get to her vehicle. I was moved to pity. So, against my better judgement I walk over to her and ask her, "Do you need some help?" She promptly says, "NO!" I turn to walk away when she, says under her breath "Ion need no help from no colored woman" I immediately turned around and my instincts were to go over and kick this old broads legs from under her. I just gave her a look, but I continued to my car, which was parked right next to her truck. I over hear her tell her hubby, "Did you see that colored gal, ask me if I needed some help?" I just shook my head and laughed.

First off, who says, "colored" anymore, unless they are referring to how they colored in a coloring book or something. I mean really that showed me that this woman was close to 100 years old with that type of dialect. She called me a "gal" I haven't heard "gal" since I watched Rosewood or Color Purple. I felt like I was living back in the 50's. I didn't address her ignorance, but it did give me a perspective about minding my own business. If, I hadn't tried to help the old worn down bitty with her groceries I would've never been subjected to such foolishness. So, the next time I see that old dusty bag of bones and her hubby struggling to do anything... I will just turn my head and keep it moving because this, "colored gal" has better things to do then to be insulted by an old dusty decrepit bag of bones.

Forgiveness

I would like to post a minute about forgiveness. I am pretty sure that all of us have done something in one way or the other that would require us to have to ask for forgiveness. I try not to live my life where I will have things that I regret, but I would be a liar if I said there are some things in my past that I wouldn't have done had I known then what I know now. I have done some things that required the gut wrenching, "I'm sorry, it was all my fault, can you ever forgive me?" speech. For those of you that know me in real life know that I am constantly apologizing because I truly do not mean to hurt any one's feelings, but sometimes my truth tends to hurt people.

Let's talk about my truth for a minute. My truth comes from my perspective. The way I was raised, the things that I have experienced in life, the people I have met, and I could go on with how I arrive to my truth, but I won't because I think the readers of my blog are smart enough to figure it out. I grew up in a real tiny town in central Louisiana. I was raised by my mother, but mostly by my grandmother. My biological father didn't bother to come and visit me or lay eyes on me until I was seven years old. My mother and I have talked about his absentee fatherism (I know that's not a word, but bear with me.) She apologized for him...which I thought was odd. I have forgiven my dad a long time ago for the things that he didn't do. Honestly, I found it more easy to forgive for the things that he did do (the list was much shorter). Point is I forgave and moved on.

Does it really matter if people don't understand why you are angry? Is it really that important that we have closure? Usually people that you hate feel two ways about you hating them... 1. They don't know that you are upset with them. 2. They know and they don't care that you are upset with them. So, truly forgiveness is not for the other person, but for you that is holding the anger or the grudge. So, if there is anyone that you have cause to be angry with, a conflict, or just some general bad blood take time today to forgive them. Take that hate out of your heart and head and make room for some new exciting positive things to come.

One Love

Suga C

Not Your Last Chance

He is not your last chance at love. Just like the cab that just passed you up and picked up the blonde with the big ta-ta's isn't the last cab in the city. Getting over the mentality of, "This is the last man that you are ever going to love" is easier said than done. You just have to look at in these terms... If that man was your last chance at love, then what a shape the world would be in because only a select few end up marrying and loving their first, second, third, loves of their lives.



My first love was a dapper, handsome young man. He had a way about him that made all the girls smile. He was a ladies man, but I didn't care because he placed me first (yeah, I know young and dumb). He was smart, athletic, and very outgoing. Fast forward to about a month ago. I saw my first love and he was sucking on a crack pipe, married, has a heap of children, and just looked so pitiful that I had to take a second look to make sure it was him. I was shocked at the twist his life has taken. I think he mixed crack with his swagger and smoked them both because he was dead in the eyes. I could've ended up with a crack head as husband; working my fingers to the bones to provide for us. Thank goodness that he wasn't my last chance at love.



My second boyfriend has the cutest dimples I have ever seen. He's tall and muscular because he played football. He has a gentle nature and a wonderful sense of humor. We broke up due to being young and wanting different things. Fast forward to today he is an engineer, a father, and all around good guy. Breaking up with him was hard, but necessary. He is one of my very nearest and dearest friends. We get along now better than ever. I will accept being in his life as a friend. He wasn't my last chance at love only a learning experience to help me in my future relationships.



My ex-boyfriend was from Florida. He was down for just about anything...very spontaneous. We met and a month later he asked me to marry him. Something about his proposal didn't sit right with me. So, I googled his butt and found out that he was married, wanted in several states for non support, didn't have a permanent residence, and was an all around loser. Of course, I packaged up all of my findings into a nice booklet for him with a red bow on the outside, but not before his wife had written me a letter informing me that he was married and a no good husband. I included the letter in the package, as well. He tried to deny, but I was done with him. He was not my last chance at love...He was my first chance at doing 5-10 for assault with a deadly weapon. He almost made me catch a case tryin to pull that cow dung on me.



Just know, ladies, he is not your last chance at love. Letting go is hard, but necessary so that you can find the one that is going to love you as much as you love them.

Vending Machine Massacre

Sammy is hungry. His stomach is growling. He looks in his pocket and he has fifty cents. He continues to work, his stomach continues to growl, churn, and pinch in hunger. Finally, break time comes. Sammy goes to the bathroom and washes his hands. He goes to the vending machine, looks in his pockets and gets his fifty cents, puts his money in the machine, and makes his selection. The wire in the machine turns, but his peanuts do not fall out the machine. Sammy checks his pockets to see if he has anymore money...he's flat broke. Sammy begins to shake the machine gently to dislodge the wire from the peanut bag. He shakes it a little and the bag looks like it is almost going to fall, but it hangs back on the wire. Sammy shakes the machine a little more and again the peanut bag looks like it is going to fall, but doesn't. Sammy shakes the machine again, and again, and again, with every shake his temper seems to rise higher and higher. Sammy shakes the machine so much that candy, chips, and cookies fall out of the wires, but them peanuts are still lodged in. Sammy gets so angry that he begins to kick and cuss the machine slap out...stating that the machine has ripped him off of his last few pennies. Sammy then goes to the office and writes a note, "Jackass, your broke @ss machine ripped me off...I want my money back."

Sammy was mad about fifty cents. He had robbed the machine of other goods, but the fact that the peanuts didn't fall out has him out of this world filled with anger. Sammy places the note on the machine and he begins to kick it and cuss the machine out some more. His break is over, he's still hungry, angry, ripped off, and minus a bag of beloved peanuts.

I have never in my life seen someone act so crazy in my life. I thought this was the funniest thing I have ever laid eyes on. He was so angry, but when he looked at me leaning against the wall with a face full of tears trying to stand up ...he couldn't do anything, but look at himself and laugh. He had to help me back to my workstation I had laughed so much... I guess I found humor at the right time yesterday.