The Me That I Used To Be

*I had this poem on my heart yesterday I hope y'all enjoy it*

I miss the me that I used to be
The me that loved free and carelessly
The me that was bitter and hurt free
The me that now I wished that I could be

But the me that I am comes from bruises and misuse
The hurt that I feel comes from years of abuse
Although I thought I healed the bruise
The truth was I drowned it in sexual booze

I left the beautiful me that I was and turned into a bitter old bug
Not allowing anyone to comfort and hug
I hit all with fake smiles
Cleaning up my tears with hurt stained towels

I sure do love to hate to live this way
but I do things to assure that in this emotional state I will stay
I shake and shiver and cry him a river
I get him to feel sorry for me when the truth is
that my misery is loving his company

This poem was inspired by a man
One who convinced me to love him and
He turned out to be bitter and cold
Only wanting to hurt me and not love me til I'm old

Misery loves company yes indeed
Be sure and guard your heart and take heed
That he'll come to you with the stars and the moon
just be sure to check the promises not later but soon
Because you could get your heart broken and
Be used only for a bitter token

I miss the me that I used to be
The me that loved free and carelessly
The me that was bitter and hurt free
The me that now I wished I could be



Thanks

Suga

Idk what to title this

Really in this last year or two I have had to grow up a considerable amount. I have had to take the rose colored glasses off and start drinking from the adult fountain because living in a fantasy world wasn't working for me. I do continue to dream big where everything in my life is concerned. I teach my children to dream as big as possible. I try to follow (for the most part) what I teach my children.

My dreams was that I would meet him. He would fill my life with the love that I perceived that I didn't receive growing up. We would live happily ever after. What a let down it was when I found out that people are just people. Not saying that my heart is hard, but now I have no expectations of some man riding in on a black stallion (I'm personally tired of the white horse analogy) and swooping me off of my over worked feet and loving me like Mandingo. Dating has gotten alot easier for me since I stopped with such ridiculous fairytale expectations. Not saying that my expectations are as low as "Long as the ninja aint picking his nose and wiping the results on his shirt", but to realistic expectations. Truthfully I am not going to be any body's stepford wife. I am not going to swoop in and cook, clean, workout everyday for hours to keep in shape, and sex my man's every night until his brain oozes out of his ear. What I will do is love him for who he is if he is what I need him to be when I get to know who he is. (I hope that sentence makes sense.) Too many people try to find a lump of clay and mold it to what they need or want it to be. For some that idea may work, but for others that project will be doomed from the start. People only change when and if they see that it is necessary to change. They don't change because you nag them or because they went to prison. People change when they come to a conscious decision that the consequences to the decisions that are being made are no longer sufficient to obtain the type results they are looking for. I don't want to be with anyone that initially tries to change me into what in their mind thinks is better. I want someone that will love me so sweet that it motivates me to be the person that I know I can be and that I always wanted to be, but never had the courage to be.

Sometimes loving someone for who they are and letting them spread their wings and soar is the best gift that you can give. Even if who they are isn't what you want in a mate, you still have given the gift of freedom to be who they are. You can not change people that you love. Your love can motivate change.

Eating out

With the holidays upon us and people celebrating the holidays with food, drink and family, I thought it would be appropriate for me to write my feelings down about eating out. I love to eat out at restaurants and bars, but I hate eating at peoples homes. I know this sounds backwards because technically I really don't know what is going on in that restaurant kitchen. I think that is why I am so comfortable with eating in a restaurant. I don't want to know that the chef may have dug in his nose, scratched his balls, or farted while he was preparing my meal. I would like to be ignorant and believe that the chef takes pride in his work and would like me to come back and break bread with him again.

Going to peoples house to eat is like playing Russian roulette. People are so friggin gross sometimes. They cook these concoctions and expect you to eat this runny mac and cheese, hard roast beef, and over sweetened kool-aid with a smile. I don't know if I'm eating H1N1, salmonella, ecoli, or something that is just plain old gross in flavor. If you can't properly prepare food without cross contamination; stay your hind parts out of the kitchen. Stop going in there pretending that you are Martha Stewart when you know you are the Freddy Cruger of the culinary world. Cooking and killing folk is not the way to celebrate these paid days off. I could actually be eating my last meal if I get some of those nasty bacteria on my plate. I have no desire to eat and die. I absolutely do not like when I go to peoples house and they invite me to eat and their house is filthy. No thank you I will pass on the food poisoning that you are cooking up and through here. I would thank the host very much not to put their homemade slop on my plate and act like its been prepared with love.

I will be visiting to share my laugh and my conversation with people during these paid vacation days, but I will not be sharing food. Please do not get offended if I visit your house and I choose not partake in the foods being served. I don't mean to offend, but my stomach and my tongue appreciates bacteria free foods. I don't know if my health insurance covers out of state stomach pumping and antibiotics. I wish you all the best in sharing your days with your family, but be careful where you eat....because it could be your last meal.

Love yall

Suga C

Whoredom

I was having a conversation with a very near and dear close personal friend. He was giving me his take on being a "whore." I have not and will never pretend to be as pure as the driven snow because honestly I have had a few snow plow drivers. So, I tend not to judge women or men by the number of partners that they have had a sexual relationship. To me a "whore" is a combination of factors. 1. The number of men/women one has had sex with. 2. The frequency in which this person changes partners 3. The "Whore-atude" (combination of whore +attitude= whore-atude). What is whore-atude? Whore-atude is the attitude of not giving a care in the world about how the changing of these different partners is affecting their bodies or minds. It is the skimpy clothes wearing women...that it really doesnt matter what the human is, but if it has a pulse they are sleeping with it. It is the man that has never met a chick that he actually turned down the sex.

So, my question to my close personal friend was how many partners are we considering is too many to be with? He said that he estimates more than three men in a years time. So, his conclusion was if a woman sleeps with more than three men in a years time that qualifies her as a citizen of Whoredom. I disputed that fact. Even using the three month rule with every relationship a woman still could have a three sexual partners in a years time (pushing it I know, but still I had to challenge him). I asked him how many women would a man have to sleep with in order to be given his citizenship papers to Whoredom and he said that it really depends on the type of women that the man sleeps with rather than the amount. I agreed with this, but I agree with that for both men and women.

I try not to judge like I said earlier, because Suga is sweet and I've had ample to sample, but that didn't make me a whore it made me a slut and misguided. I do agree that when folk fall into a certain lifestyle that yes they can be considered "whores",but a few unwise sexual decisions doesn't automatically make people be whores. I think most (not all) people have been a tax paying citizen of Whoredom. The double standard for what a whore is still remains in this society...so sad because in this recession protected sex is the one free thing that you can do that's fun.

Certain things

There are certain things that there is not any nice way to say to a person. There are nice ways of telling someone that they have something in their nose, they have toilet paper on their shoe, or breath may not be so fresh, but there is no real nice way to tell someone that their parent may be a crackhead, or that their daughter is a slut, or that their boyfriend is a bum.

I have encountered several of these situations in the last few weeks and as blunt as I am with telling things like it is...I find it hard to hurt peoples feelings when deep truths are concerned. I have a friend and her mother is married to a crack abuser. The man stays gone for days when he gets money and he has admitted to having a problem and this was before she married the man. Her mom is and has been well aware of the problem for quite some time before the marriage even took place, but her mom chose to move forward with the marriage. She is totally upset that her mother continues in this relationship with a known drug abuser. So, how do I tell this chick without hurting her feelings that I do believe that her momma is sucking on the crack pipe as well. Do I say, "Your momma is Ms. Tyrone Biggums." How do I say this without coming off as trying to be crass other than saying, "Your momma is making some crackhead decisions." or "Your momma is practicing crackhead logic." or "Is being a crackhead contagious because your mom is showing symptoms of crackhead-itis?" The subject is so tough and touchy.

I know this older man and he has a teenage daughter and this child is out of control. He thinks that shes a princess, but in reality the child is a hooker....well I take that back hookers get paid she's just giving it away for free. The girl has no standards all a man has to have is a pulse and some lips and she's staking claim and giving up the yanni. She has had sex with her dad's best friend, some family friends, some coworkers, and few stray men here and there and the child is only seventeen. The dad is out fighting and getting into trouble trying to protect something that has been auctioned to the highest bidder many moons ago. I told him that new yanni is like money to men... If you sit a new yanni in front of a man he's going to snatch it up just like money. The man is not going to ask about any birthdays or the legality of the yanni just like he wouldn't ask about if the money is legal. They just take it and run....so goes her innocence. I told him not to let his sanity leave with her innocence. It is totally obvious that his child is a slut. I know that it was harsh, but the man is about to lose everything trying to go to court to get lawyers to sue. He was upset and talking to me about it, so I have the cruel harsh reality to him as easy as I could make it.

The bum boyfriend is a bit easier for me to just say because I have no feelings for losers. My friend is in a relationship with a bum and I wish she would just wake up and let it go, but she hasn't. I listened to her cry about her problems with him and at first I would offer advice then that seemed not to work. I started just listening and only offering support and a listening ear, but no advice. After a few months of this same episode; my nerves were stretched to the maximum limit. I finally had to tell her that she was dealing with a bum. I told her that unless she wanted better for herself there was nothing that complaining to me was going to do about changing the situation. She has to have the resolve within herself to see that this fool ain't worth the salt in his bread. Well I solved two problems with my rant. I opened her eyes up to the complaining attitude that wasn't changing anything...and I freed up some of my daytime minutes on my cell phone because she stopped calling so often.


How do you say things without hurting feelings? Sometimes there is no way to say these things without hurting the ones you love. The truth does indeed hurt, but should be told to give clarity to the stupid situations that we put ourselves in and continue to put up with. I hope that I have friends that will tell me the truth. I might get a little huffy, but I know its out of love. Maybe that truth will give us a chance to bond even closer because I will appreciate the fact that you loved me enough to tell me the whole truth and nothing, but the truth.

Thanks

Suga

Tellin it like it t-i is

I have a reputation for telling things rather bluntly or giving the elephant in the room a trumpet so that all can hear his voice. Lately, I have been trying to tone my tongue because I hurt some one's feelings. Unintentionally hurt as it were, I still felt bad for the hurt feelings.

I have been following my same routine, but trying to sweeten my tongue. My tongue is usually not bitter, but as I said my tongue is very blunt. The other day this old friend of mine said something that took me by surprise. She said that I was a hater of her life because it was so drama free. I gave her the side eye and proceeded to take back all of the promises that I had made about sweetening my words with sugar because this heffa had taken leave of her senses. I turned around and told her that yes I was jealous so very extremely jealous of her life. She has four beautiful children and an adoring husband. I would be crazy not want that for myself, but the drama free part had to be a delusion on her part. Her four kids are Shepard's of laziness, stupidity, and foolishness. I told her of course I could see me being jealous of her life...being that she has a nineteen year old daughter that is knocked up by her live in boyfriend. Her live in boyfriend barely makes enough money to purchase the air for them to breath. He showed me his paycheck one time and I asked him was he an illegal alien...because even an alien would demand better pay.

Of course I'm jealous of her life her only son is a habitual abuser of marijuana, which is fine and okay if you can maintain a job, but he has no job and doesn't read well enough to pass the GED Course, but has time to get a girlfriend. Oh, I am so jealous of having the police call her in the middle of the night because her son was throwing a miniature Woodstock in a mans sugar cane field. Oh, and lets not forget her hubby ...he has a heart of gold but a mind of a rock. He doesn't read or write above a second grade level.

I'm just green with envy of her other daughter who has and is sleeping with half of the town. I hear she has that nasty woman's disease as well. Who wouldn't want a piece of that pie.

So lookey chick if you don't start none it won't be none...I only tell it like it T-I IS.

WWIV

I met WWIV on an accident. I was thinking about growing my hair back to its natural state when I saw him. He was tall, dark, beautiful smile, with a head full of long flowing healthy locs. I met him at a time in my life where I was pretty much over the male species. Men could only provide me with one thing and one thing only ...directions to the nearest Adult Superstore. I had to say something to him about his hair. His hair was absolutely beautiful. So, I asked him about his hair. How long had he been growing his hair, was it a difficult transition, and who started and did the upkeep of his locs. He was extremely friendly in his responses. Attractive as WWIV was to me I continued on my thought process of him being just a man....and me not being ready to date. We exchanged phone numbers and during months of conversation we discussed natural hair care, life, children, parenting, clouds, ants, pillows, colors, meaningless banter, success, giving, receiving, blessings, curses, childhood, dreams, aspirations, old relationships, and finally love.

One night I was in the bed when my phone rang with the Computer Love ring tone. WWIV had is on ring tone by this time even though I publicly didn't like him in that way. I answered the phone...WWIV let me know that he was just a few miles away from my house and would like to see me. I made arrangements for my friend to come watch my kids and took off to see him. I get to the parking lot and he's standing there so tall, so beautiful, just like the first time I saw him. I park my car. He opens my door, pulls me out of the car, and gives me a big hug. I am shocked, but it feels good. His arms are strong and they hold me just right. It was like his shoulders were custom made for my head. I lay my head on his shoulder. He begins to speak, his breath so sweet, his voice so deep, my body is so hot.

We sit and talk. He confesses that hes into me. I would've played like I really wasn't into him, but I really couldn't. I was standing in a parking lot at midnight on a weekday with my house shoes, a silk scarf, a t-shirt, and some jogging pants on. I couldn't deny the attraction that I felt to him. I tried, but he was just too much of a real brother to let my insecurities, past relationships, and broken heart get in the way of this friendship that had blossomed into much more. He gave me my "okay" back that night. All before that night I was angry, bitter, jaded, frustrated and upset with men, but he gave me the strength back to be "okay". I will love him always for this. I don't know how this relationship will end, but I know that the beginning gave me more and taught me more than any other relationship I've ever been involved in.

I told him that he gave me the strength to be "okay." He said that I always had the strength and that he never knew that I was angry or bitter with men...he only knew that I was the sweetest woman that he had ever met and that I had given him his reason to be "okay." He said that before me the women were rude, needy, and down right disrespectful. He had never met a woman that just let him be who he was without wanting something materially in return.

I just think that we were both brought together at the right place at the right time. I love him for who he is and for who he wants to be. He supports me in my foolishness...He makes it okay to laughs at my mistakes. He makes me feel like its okay to be me. He accepts me ... He doesn't love me different, but he loves me right. I will end this in saying he and I are not perfect, we do have disagreements, but we both know what we want and how good it is.


Suga C